I haven't written in this thing for almost four months! I've been so busy since Drew and I got married. We've had a tough time adjusting to each other, but we are working things into a routine. We got a puppy. He's a chocolate lab. He's our baby. He sleeps on the end of my side of the bed and keeps my feet warm! Maybe a little too warm sometimes, but I love him anyways.

I recently went to a Psychologist. She told me to write in a journal about my feelings. She said that seeing things written down should help me make them real and deal with them better. I think she meant actually writing down, which I will do when I get depressed or anxious, but I haven't been like that lately.

Well, yesterday was Mother's Day. Thanks to Drew, it wasn't so depressing. He bought my favorite chocolates for me. He also gave me some money and bought me roses. He also took me to Cold Stone for icecream! Not to mention, he got me the sweetest Mother's Day Card! We basically spent the day doing alot of awesome stuff. I even got a little sumthin sumthin after church. HAHAHA! 

Anyways, I just wanted to update. It doesn't matter if other people read this really. I just like going back from months later and reading about what I've been through.

I was washing my hands in the bathroom at work when this woman came up to me and said, "I know what being miserable is like, and that's what I see in you two when you aren't together." Then, I said, "Yeah, people can't stand to see me alone. I guess they feel like something is missing."  LOL. I guess Drew and I are together so much that people associate us with eachother. It's crazy how that sorta thing happens. =) I can understand why she thought I looked miserable though. If Drew isn't with me, I'm usually walking around all mopey like. Haha.

...is sorta addicting. I think I should stop now. =/ 

I hated it three days ago. I love it now.

 No, I don't think they have a place, but they do whatever they want, and we can't do anything about it. I think people need to look to a higher power for the answers when it comes to what type of marriage is right. This is kinda like now. They are legalizing gay marriage in some areas. As Lois on Family Guy said earlier, "Gay people can be together, but marriage is for a man and a woman." That still doesn't make "being together" right, but alot of things aren't right. As far as this question goes, NO.

PS. Mormonism is idiotic. Read and study THE BIBLE, not that other thing. After we leave this place, there is a Heaven and a Hell. There aren't three different dimensions, and you CANNOT be saved once you die. Nobody can pray you into Heaven. That is your responsiblility in this life. Ah geez, I've got myself going on things that piss people off. =)

PSS. This is MY opinion, which I have a right to.

 Abormal
 Bootilicious lol
 Careful
 Deprived ( of sex?)
 Eccentric
 Fascinated
 Grateful
 Horny =)
 Indifferent
 Juicy lol
 Kind
 Loved
 Moody
 Nice
 Odd
 Precautious
 Quiet
 Reserved
 Sleepy
 Troublemaker! 
 Underestimated
 Volumptious lol
 Weird
 X-tremely boring! 
 Young
 Zzzzzzzzz. * Sleeping morez*
 

When I got to Drew's house tonight, he was in a depressed mood. I sat on the couch with him and held him. I said, "Am I depressing you?" He started crying and said, "No, you are only good thing that I have. I look forward to spending time with you. I miss you." He cried some more, and it calmed me down because I was having an anxiety attack prior to that. He is unaware of my anxiety most of the time because I try to hide it. Although it gets hard at times because I start shaking pretty bad, and I can only speak in whispers because my chest feels so tight. Anyways, we've both been off of work since December 24th. We've pretty much spent the entire time together, going to movies, talking, ect. I've learned alot more about him. I believe we've fallen in love with eachother all over again. We can have a little spat here and there, and we always come through it in a mature way now. I don't know what the difference is. I guess we are both ready to grow up. I guess we've accepted that we're supposed to be together. There is no doubt in my mind that he is "the one." I can feel it. It just feels right. I'm very excited about getting married now. The 26th can't come soon enough. =)

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Omg. My feelings for Drew have been almost too much for me to handle lately. He let me sit on his lap in his rocker chair today. He rocked me slowly and we kissed and acted silly with each other while he was cradling me like a baby. I nuzzled my head into the side of his neck and started crying. I couldn't help it. I love him so much. He can be such a sweetheart when he wants to be.

Anyways, we went to see that Benjamin Button movie tonight. It was good, but long. I don't really like Brad Pitt much otherwise.

I sat down on my couch and said to myself, "I am tired." I cuddled my head into my blanket. Then, I looked up. I noticed that my vision was clearer. Not physically, but by perspective. I looked at the flowers Drew bought me a few days ago and thought, "I have someone who loves me." Then I looked around my apartment and thought, "I have my own apartment. I don't have to live with my dad anymore." Then I thought, "I have a good job." Now I am thinking about how I have my own car. I realized that I have so many blessings. Then I said to myself, "I am in control of my life." Not in a sense that God isn't in control, but I shouldn't let the world control me. I can make my own decisions. God wants me to be happy. God wants me to have goals. He doesn't want me to live in the darkness of depression. Depression has stolen so much of my life away. Do I want this to keep happening? 

Reason being, I started Weight Watchers again today. I believe I am ready to take control of my life in this area. I will be a better person. I'll be who I want to be. I will no longer let this addiction have such a stronghold on me.

I have been strongly thinking about my goals for the upcoming year. This is what I've come up with.

1. Change my eating habits.
2. Be more active.
3. Continue attending church regularly.
4. Apply God to my life more.
5. Work on being more physically "put together". (Style wise)

Well, I better get to bed. I gotta get up for church in the morning.

I had a wonderful Christmas, despite a thing or two. I went to my dad's house for dinner. The whole family was there. My sister and I were having a blast talking about "lucky charms" and being "blessed for life" LOL. 

Anyways, I don't wanna mention the bad part. Let's just say, it had to do with my mom. It's hard to admit, but I can see now that she's never loved me and never will. I don't know if I want anything to do with her anymore.

Well, I haven't got any money out of the bank, and I somehow have $250 in my purse now. lolz. I wish that would happen more often!

Oh! Let's not forget. Drew, Nick, and I went to see Marley and Me. Talk about a sad movie! I was crying so much that it came EXTREMELY close to sobbing. Nick and Drew were crying also. I've never seen Drew cry at a movie! It was great. =)

It's Christmas once again! Where does the time go? It is sorta scary when you actually sit down and think about it. It reminds me that I shouldn't take this life for granted. I need to set goals and find my reason and keep searching for God.

Drew and I have been doing great. I think we are doing better than we EVER have. I'm not sure why though. He came to my apartment tonight. We watched a movie, talked, and then play wrestled. I am so tired from that! I probably have bruises all over me. LOL. I haven't looked yet.

Work is going okay. I'm starting to feel like everyone there is pushing me away. Everyone is acting different towards me since Drew and I got back together. I don't see how it matters. Drew is my personal life, even though we work together. I see it as no one's business but my own. I do love my co-workers though. They are like my family, at times.

Well, I am very tired. I haven't been sleeping enough lately. There's just too much to do. *sigh*. BUT I don't have to go back to work until January 5th, and it's ALL PAID. *woot woot* 

Drew and I have been trying to be friends this past week. I went to his house tonight and we decided that we want to try again. So, we are officially back together. He told me he loves me, and we held eachother while watching TV, just like we used to. Now, atleast I'll be having a good Thanksgiving. I'm so at peace in my mind right now. I've been very strung out these past two months, so it's a huge relief to have nothing on my mind and pulling at my heart like it was. That pain was horrible, and I'd wish it on no one. I'm just going to be taking things one day at a time and counting my blessings because God keeps giving me things that I feel undeserving of.

Well, the time has come once again. I am alone and depressed. I broke down at work today. They were wanting to bring me to the hospital. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. This happened after I asked  Drew, "If you love me like you said you did, then why can't we work things out?" and he said, "You aren't worth my time." 

I don't know how to react to this. He was my best friend. Well, he was supposed to be. I don't know where to turn. I just wanna sleep forever. I've fallen into an awful state of depression. More so than I ever have since I was a child being abused. I'm scared of my future, if I even have one. I'm afraid that I'm looking my destiny in the eye everytime I look in the mirror. The person who is gonna steal everything from me...

Drew and I have been almost inseperable this past week. I even stayed all night with him a couple of nights. I know that he could be gone at any moment, so I'm taking every second and holding into it with my life. I've never loved anyone else the way I love him. I don't know why. I feel complete when he's with me. Like there's nowhere else I'd rather be. He's my best friend. Everyday is a gift. I dread anything happening because I know how bad it hurts.

Drew and I have been trying to be friends lately. Drew, Nick, and I went to see a movie tonight. Immediately after, Drew called and invited me to his house. Well, we were sitting across from eachother, talking. He made a joke about how many boyfriends do I already have or something along those lines. Well, then he started crying. I hugged him, and he said, "I miss you." 

My heart must have jumped a mile out of my chest. He said that and we both started crying and holding eachother. It was an amazing moment. I love that man so much, so completely, with every piece of my heart. He's the only person I've felt this way with, EVER. I believe he is the one who is meant for me. BUT...We are just friends right now. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, but we shared a moment tonight that I will always hold close to my heart because HE is what my heart is made of now. *wipes away tears*

Everything is so confusing lately. I've been in a constant state of denial. My days go by in a daze. I wake up and it's already almost the weekend again. I don't know where the time is going. I'm secretly thankful of that aspect. Everyday that goes by is another day that I succeed at controlling myself from my crazy impulses. I'm almost ashamed to talk about it. I hate to find out that people use my weaknesses against me, to condem me to the judgement of "psycho." 

I don't want anyone's pity. I just like writing about things. Maybe it might help someone someday. Maybe someone will read and see that they aren't alone.

I truly believe that I am here for a reason. I don't know what it is yet, but it's there. In the back of my mind I hear God whispering, "This is for YOUR good." Personally, I know  that you can't truly understand and help another person unless you've been in their shoes. Is this why so many bad things are happening to me? Is it because God wants me to be the stronger person someday? Will I need to be someone's rock? The hand that lifts someone off the ground? I don't know right now. I can only have faith.

I want to be honest and get this off of my chest. I think about suicide alot. No doubt. Most people know about that already. The urge was strong last month. So strong it was unbearable. Right now, the thoughts run through just like...thoughts. Nothing more. Holding out and being strong, if only pretending, has helped tremendously. Ever since my attempt in May, I find myself taking in every moment I can. Thinking to myself, "This is a day that I wouldn't have had." This makes me want to cry. What could I be cheating myself out of if I did something like that to myself? Who would be hurt? People I haven't even met yet.

Speaking of people. I feel so lonely, but I don't want anyone around. It's a weird feeling. I know I'm not ready to date right now, for a fact. I won't be ready for awhile.

I had a horribly frustrating dream last night. I drove all the way to New Mexico to see Katie. I got out of my car. Steve said, "Hi, Katie is in the house." So, I walk into the house and call for her. She is in this room smoking a fucking fat ass cigar! I said to Steve, "What the FUCK do you think you're doing? Do you actually LET her smoke those?" He said, "Yes. I don't mind." I grabbed Katie, took the cigar out of her mouth and said, "If I catch her with another cigar in her mouth, I'll call CPS, and I'LL BE GOING HOME WITH HER!" (I was screaming. LOL). He did some little pouty thing and walked away. A few minutes later, there he was trying to hide her and let her smoke. Omg, it felt like my blood was boiling. I grabbed Steve and punched him as many times as I could. I beat the hell out of him. Well, that's all I remember of that. ( Some guy outside is screaming. I lost my train of thought.)

I've been thinking into what this means. I've been smoking Black and Milds lately, which are kinda like a smaller type of cigar. I've been smoking one every night on my way home from work. I think my conscience is trying to tell me to stop. I'm overweight. Cancer runs in my family terribly. And, heart problems, diabetes, ect. I've been having problems with hypoglycemia and anemia. My blood sugar gets so low that I start shaking, and I can barely make it to my feet without falling. My blood iron level is so low that I can't look up at a certain angle without feeling my blood pulsating through my veins, out of my head, because I start seeing spots and feeling weak. It doesn't really worry me anymore though. If something were wrong with me, I wouldn't want to know.

Well, I also miss Katie. I try not to think about that too much though.

Breast Cancer Foundation because breast cancer runs in my family. My aunt had it, but they caught it in time. So, she's okay. I also support causes that are toward saving/helping animals.

Hey, I usualy dont drink, but damn! Everything comes into perspective with you have tons of alcohol in your system. The world is effinn spinning. Does it always go around like this? Everything makes sense to me right now. Why doesn't Drew want me?  It's because I'm a fat ass bitch. Who the hell would want a worthless piece of shit woman that has had two kids by two different guys?! How stupid am I to think that someone like him would want someone like me! I should drive my car into a garage, turn it on, and go to sleep. I would rather be dead. Life is pointless. So much for alcoholism. Thank you mom and dad for cursing my life.